Hi, friends, and welcome back to the blog!

Today’s post is a little different. Today I’ll be answering a series of questions submitted by our Insta fam about the first few months of parenting! Read on for everything from Finn’s birth, to my experience postpartum, to breastfeeding, COVID, and more! Thanks to all who submitted questions - hope you enjoy!

Hospital/Birth:

What was your birth plan? Did you have a natural birth or epidural?

To be quite honest, I didn’t have much of a plan. All I knew was that I wanted to do it as naturally as possible, so long as both Finn and I were safe. I didn’t plan on using medicine, but I was also open to the possibility should something go wrong, or if it was just more pain than I could bear.

As it turns out, Finn was in too much of a hurry to come out for the epidural to even have been an option; by the time I was ready to consider the possibility, it was time to push. So, whether I wanted it or not, ultimately, I had a natural birth. And, to be honest, in hindsight, I’m so glad that I did.

I will say that I think the question of natural vs. epidural is a deeply personal decision, and shouldn’t be judged one way or the other. It doesn’t make a woman less tough for opting for an epidural (she birthed a freaking kid, give her a break!); nor does it make a woman crazy for choosing the natural route (okay, maybe a little bit). Having experienced a natural birth, I can absolutely see how the numbness of an epidural might allow a woman to be more present for the birth of her child. (It’s honestly all a blur for me, looking back.) What I do remember, though, what I will always remember, is what it feels like to push a human being through my body, and for me, that is just the coolest sensation.

Here’s something I didn’t know before giving birth, or at least hadn’t really focused on until I was in the moment: you can’t really push (or at least you’re not supposed to) unless you’re in the middle of a contraction. What that means is that if your baby’s head is halfway out and your contraction subsides, the way Finn’s was, you need to stop pushing until the next contraction starts. I will never forget those seconds, which felt more like minutes, between contractions, Finn’s head halfway through my birth canal, my body stretched to its absolute max. It felt like a bowling ball had gone up in flames inside of my vagina. It was awesome.

I’ve always been kind of an adrenaline junkie. (I was the one who bungee jumped off of the highest bungee bridge in the world (Bloukrans Bridge on the Western Cape of South Africa), and was ready to do it again as soon as I was hoisted back up.) Giving birth gave me that adrenaline kick. I was the psycho who, after screaming my head off during labor, held my baby for the first time and broke out into hysterical laughter instead of tears.

Birthing life is such a surreal experience; it’s hard to put it into words, and, of course, for everyone, it’s different. For me, I don’t think there’s much I’d do differently the second time around (not saying it’s coming soon, don’t worry!) … maybe take an earlier ferry, because we did cut it kind of close! But natural felt right for me, and I would encourage every woman to do what feels right for her, and only her.

Healthcare on island? Do you take the ferry to St Thomas for appointments/delivery?

Okay, honestly, healthcare on St John, at least for prenatal care, is subpar (as in, prenatal care, specifically, is very limited on St John); however, we were actually surprised and impressed by the care we received on St Thomas.

After having had a less than ideal experience with a midwife on St John with our first pregnancy (see: Meet Finn, Our Rainbow Baby), we opted to see an OBGYN on St Thomas, on a recommendation from our primary care provider here on St John (who is amazing, but doesn’t do prenatal care). What that meant was that once every month up until trimester three, at which point it became every other week, and then every week, we took the ferry over to St Thomas to visit with our doctor for regular prenatal checkups.

Though taking a boat to another island for a doctor’s appointment may seem like a lot for most people, for us it was just part of the deal with living here. It’s what we signed up for when we decided to live on such a small island.

Now where it did get a little tricky, and a little worrisome, was when I actually went into labor. My water broke at 3AM while we were at home on St John. The ferries close at night, of course, and the first one isn’t until 6:30AM. I honestly don’t know what came over me, but I was really chill. I even told Kevin to go back to sleep. A little too chill, in fact, because we didn’t get on a ferry until 9AM, at which point things were starting to get intense.

But, we made it to the hospital in time, and the good news is that I only had to labor in the hospital for a few hours before Finn was born! In hindsight, however, we probably should have been on an earlier ferry, but it all turned out okay in the end!

If the labor had progressed super quickly though, or if there had been a storm that caused the ferries to shut down (which actually did happen a week prior - it was right smack dab in the middle of hurricane season after all!), it could have gotten ugly.

We were lucky.

Postpartum:

Postpartum recovery - how it felt, did it go better or worse than expected?

I’ll answer this one in terms of physical recovery, and the next in terms of psychological / emotional recovery.

Physically, just WOW. I have never been so freaking proud of my body. Look what it did! I will forever be in awe of my physical self, knowing what my body has the power to do. Women, we are un-freaking-believable!

The fact that just over three months ago, I had a 7 lb. baby inside of me is just astonishing. Now, of course, for every woman it’s different, but speaking from my experience alone, recovery has been quicker and more seamless than I could have anticipated. I should note, when I say “recovery” and when I say “physical,” I mean beyond the way I look (which, don’t get me wrong, is absolutely part of it, but “physical recovery” goes way deeper than that … literally).

What I’m talking about is the tearing and lacerations in my vagina. The stitches and the scarring that I thought would never go away. The soreness and the bleeding.

During the first few days after Finn was born, I bled WAY more than I had anticipated. I guess, for me anyway, you do so much research and preparation for the actual birth, that you forget to prepare yourself for what happens next. I totally underestimated the amount of blood, the pain, and the fear I would feel every time I went to the bathroom (especially to wipe haha I was SO afraid to wipe, like I might rip open my wounds!).

But, within about a week I’d say, the pain subsided, and although it took about a month for the bleeding to stop entirely, by the time I went in for my six week checkup, the bleeding was gone, my stitches had vanished, I had lost all the weight I had gained during pregnancy, and I was deemed fully recovered.

It’s interesting to me, though, this term “recovered,” because it suggests a return to the way things were before. But to me, my body - my vagina along with the rest of my physical self - will never be the way it was before I gave birth. Nor do I want it to be. My body has been through the most beautiful transformation; it has become a mother. I have become a mother. And that will be a part of my identity for the rest of my life.

Did you have postpartum depression?

Not immediately, and never really in the way that I’ve read about from other women’s experiences. For me, my mental health during the initial phase revolved almost entirely around sleep deprivation. It was (and still is sometimes) like nothing I had ever experienced. Sure, I’d been tired before - I’d stayed up all night for days at a time writing papers during exam week in college, or for that senior week bender, or during Mardi Gras when we lived in New Orleans. I’d had bouts of insomnia in my past that left me feeling exhausted. But nothing like this. Nothing like a month straight of no more than two hours of sleep at a time. All while feeling physically weak, bleeding incessantly, muscles sore and wobbly from the most intensive and draining physical trial I’d ever put my body through. Whatever energy I did have, my body put toward nourishing my baby. I felt exhausted to the deepest core of my being. And that exhaustion created for me heightened feelings of intense anxiety. (I should add that I’ve struggled with anxiety for a long time, so this likely had an impact on my postpartum experience.)

What advice would you give to women during the early postpartum phase?

Everyone is going to tell you to “sleep when the baby sleeps” - I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that. And they’re not wrong. But how realistic is it? Are you supposed to also clean when the baby cleans and bathe when the baby bathes and eat when the baby eats? Yes, sneak in the nap when you can, but also be honest with yourself and really think about what your specific needs are. My biggest piece of advice (which I wish I was better at myself) is to be honest, blunt, and vocal about your needs. Be direct. Express yourself. And don’t think about anybody’s feelings but your own (and your baby’s, of course).

When you need help, ask for it. When you need space, be direct in establishing those boundaries, because it is easy to feel overwhelmed, and sometimes you will just need time to yourself. I am literally the WORST at this because I am always worried about hurting someone’s feelings, so this is also a little reminder to myself to be strong and vocal about my own needs.

Equally important I think, here’s my advice to those who are supporting women who are going through the postpartum phase: listen to her needs, and allow her to express them without taking it personally. Sometimes we need space, and it’s not because we don’t appreciate the help, or the love, or the support. Sometimes we just want to be alone, and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I think this is one of the most important things for all of us to do when we’re in the position of a supporting role, or really within any relationship, and it’s a message I want to carry with me as a parent. This is something that Kevin and I are actually really good at I think, but that’s because we’ve worked on establishing that open dialogue over the course of our relationship. For me, it is hugely important to feel as though I have a safe space within which I can openly express what I need, without it being taken personally.

So, women, tell em how ya really feel. Men (and other support people), listen and don’t make it about yourself.

Breastfeeding:

Breastfeed or formula? Do you pump or just nurse?

Breastfeed, 100% - I don’t even pump; Finn is a booby boy, through and through. Again, this is a personal choice, and women shouldn’t be judged one way or the other, but, for me, breastfeeding was the best option.

I was lucky in that Finn latched pretty much immediately (and really hasn’t let go haha). Within moments of birth, he found the nipple, and I’ve never had a problem since.

In addition to all the nutritional benefits of breastmilk for babies, I really enjoy the bonding experience with Finn. It’s a relationship unlike any other. I love watching his teeny wet lips suckle on my nipple. I love it when he makes eye contact with me, and when the milk starts dribbling down his chin because he accidentally smiles at me in the middle of a feed. I love the way he cups his hands around my breast while he eats. I love the way his eyes roll back in his head when he falls asleep on the boob. I love knowing that I’m nourishing his body with my body.

The past three months would probably have been easier if I had chosen to pump in addition to nursing (I definitely would have slept more!), but I feel so connected to Finn, and I’d like to believe it’s a bond that will stay between us forever (at least until he’s a rotten nasty teenager haha).

COVID:

Does bringing Finn out in public make you nervous?

Short answer, yes. Long answer, I’m getting better about it. At first, I was petrified. Like, had bubbling anxiety every time we left the house (which was very rarely, and we went to places like the beach, always outdoors and where there were very few people).

If you can imagine the anxiety of being a new parent, having just brought your first ever life force into the world, but doing it during the closest thing to an apocalypse the world has ever seen … that’s how I felt. I was terrified. Mid-pregnancy, I wrote a post about being pregnant during this crazy time in history (see: Pandemic Pregnancy); in that post, I wrote about how anxious it made me knowing that, while I was pregnant, my body served as a home, as a protective barrier for Finn against the dangers of the world, but once he was born, it would be harder for me to protect him. He no longer had my body as a shield.

So, I spent the first few weeks not only exhausted, but intensely paranoid anytime anyone left the house (even when we stayed home!) because they might bring the virus back with them. Irrational? Perhaps a little, but I was scared, and I’m very willing to admit that.

Now, that’s not to say I’m not scared anymore. I am. This virus is real; people are dying. But, I’ve begun to trust a little bit more. It’s encouraging to see masks becoming normalized. When we leave the house, the checklist used to be, “phone, car keys, wallet;” now it’s, “phone, car keys, wallet, mask.” So that makes me feel a bit better.

We’re slowly taking him out into the world more and more, safely of course, which feels good because I want to show off this squishy little ball of perfection we created!

General Parenting:

Expectations vs. reality of the first couple months as parents

This is a good one!

Expectation: Baby farts are cute!

Reality: Was it just a fart or did he poop … again?

Expectation: Dante and Finn would cozy up to one another.

Reality: Dante just wants to lick his spit up.

Expectation: I could carry him around all day!

Reality: This baby is freaking heavy!

Expectation: He’ll go through a lot of diapers.

Reality: He goes through a f*ck ton of diapers.

Expectation: We’ll be tired.

Reality: We’re freaking exhausted.

Expectation: It’ll be hard work.

Reality: We’re beat AF.

Expectation: We’ll miss having time just the two of us.

Reality: We carve out that time, but also really love spending time as the three of us.

Expectation: He’ll be adorable.

Reality: He’s so darn cute we just want to squeeze him allll the time!

Expectation: We’ll love him.

Reality: We love him more than we ever thought humans had the capacity to love. We love him so much it hurts.

What’s been your biggest surprise?

I knew it would be cool when he smiled for the first time, but it felt like fireworks in my heart when he first looked me in the eyes and smiled. I’ve never felt as much love and just sheer, pure happiness than I did in that moment.